


Round and around and around and around we go

by Ilikethisship_itsexciting



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, M/M, Reunion, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-09 13:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilikethisship_itsexciting/pseuds/Ilikethisship_itsexciting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian and Lip are back. Mandy beat the shit out of Matty for Debbie. Mickey would do anything to get Ian back.<br/>But things aren't the same as before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first shameless fic, I'm back to writing and I'm gonna try and make this one a long one (fingers crossed).  
> It's basically a bunch of headcanons and other theories I have seen and thought of for season 4 and the Ian/Mickey reunion, I hope you enjoy it.  
> -1st chapter will be posted sometime this week-

\- Prologue -

Lip had spent one month in college before two weeks ago an army officer, literally, pulled him out demanding to know why Philip Gallagher was studying at the University Of Chicago and in basic training for the army. It's astounding it took them so long, really.

It'd been three weeks since Mandy Milkovich beat the shit out of Matty for sleeping with Debbie Gallagher. He's still not out of his coma. 

A week since Ian Gallagher had been sent home by the US Army and disallowed from enlisting again. A week he'd stayed locked up in the house. 

It'd been 51 days since Ian had left. Mickey Milkovich counted each one.


	2. The Cup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'he tried to piece the shards back together, but they didn't seem to fit anymore.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey dokey, let's get to it. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm a bad speller and I type too fast.  
> Um, I also don't write Mickey very well but I've tried my best.  
> This is chapter 1, I will try to update as regularly as I can (it's almost exam season though and I'm taking my GCSE's so...) every week or so.  
> Enjoy.

Mandy knocked on the Gallagher’s door,  No argument was taking place on the other side of the door like there usually was, each sibling shouting at one another to get the door. She frowned to herself, in truth, she missed it. Carl had refused to leave Frank's side, they could all tell it was going to end soon. Fiona was fuck knows where with fuck knows who. She hadn’t seen Debbie since she told her to run from that pedo’s bloody body. Ian was still gone, not that anyone seemed to give a shit apart from Mickey and Debbie. Mandy had heard that Lip was back. Part of her wished it was true, but mostly she hoped that it wasn't. 

The door swung back to reveal Lip standing impatiently inside. They took a minute, taking in each other.

Lip broke the silence, “thank you...” he absently wiped his mouth, “...for Debbie.” The Milkovich replied with a nonchalant shrug. “Is she in?” She quickly added, “I came to see her.” She felt to clarify. _And I heard that you were back_ , she thought to herself. “Sure, come in.” Lip held the door open, watching Mandy as she made her way through the living room.

She could remember the house so well; the smell, the mess, the noise, the love. It seemed to have drained somehow, the house was silent except for Sheila violently scrubbing the kitchen floor, swearing under her breath.

Mandy made her way upstairs and quietly knocked on Debbie’s door, “Debbie?” She asked through the door.

_“Mandy?”_

“Yeah, it’s me. Can I come in?”

Behind the door was silence, she slid it open and looked into the young Gallagher’s room. She sat still on the bed, her body was hunched up and her hair covered her face. Mandy sat beside her and wrapped a tender arm around Debbie’s shoulders, her head fell on Mandy’s shoulder and silence was all that came from the usually louder than life girl. The Milkovich right then considered finishing the job on Matty for what he had done but he wasn’t worth the jail time. They sat there silently for a while, each reflecting on the things they had lost.

_

 

“Debs, is there anything I can ge-” Ian’s words stopped dead at the sight of Mandy. Her eyes grew wider as she took in his face. She shot up and pulled him into her arms, “Ian! I didn’t know you were back?! I'm so glad to see you."

“Yeah, well it wasn’t planned.” He quickly responded. She released her grip and squeezed Debbie’s shoulder before nudging Ian out of the door. She checked for any loose Gallaghers before grinning to him, “you don’t know how happy Mickey will be to see you.”

Mandy’s smiled faded as she studied Ian’s frown. “What is it?” He glared into her shining eyes, “You can’t tell him I’m back, please.”

“ ** _What?!”_** She almost screamed. It’d been hell with Mickey lately. She'd printed off a picture of Ian she'd taken one today, hoping to cheer him up but his pining just became more unbearable. As much as she hated Mickey, she couldn’t see her brother like that, Mandy knows how it feels-and it feels fucking shitty.

“It’s for the best.” The voice came from Lip who was standing on the stairs, watching them. "He left because of him, I don't think a reunion is the best idea."

Mandy glared at Lip before turning to Ian, “He loves you Ian Gallagher.” The Milkovich sharply whispered in Ian’s ear. “And you love him too.” She started to move away but she stopped when she heard him whisper sullenly, “he made his choice.”

 

_

 

Mickey Milkovich hated what he saw in the cracked mirror. The Russian whore he married reminded him daily of what he had done to himself and what his dad had done to him. He breathed out slowly and rubbed his eyes. He swore he hadn’t slept since that day. When _he_ left. He could have stopped him, he played it out in his head every night as he stared into the dark room. He listens to the heavy breath of Svetlana and hates himself and her even more.

 

-

 

“He’s back.”

Mickey’s head jerked up at his sisters voice but lowered it as fast as it had shot up.

He flicked absently through his magazine. “Who?” He inquired, trying to hide his desperation for it to be Ian.

Mickey turned to her as she raised her eyebrow in exasperation. “Him.” She simply said before turning and leaving.

 

-

 

Another night of lost sleep, but the only thoughts going through his head were of Ian returning and things being how they were.

 

-

Mickey slowly made his way up the Gallagher’s front steps. He gave the door a sharp pound and considered bolting but the door swung open before he had a chance.

“What the fuck do you want?” Lip demanded.

Mickey replied with a glassy eyed stare. “Is Ian around?”

“No." Lip raised an eyebrow to the look of desperation so badly hidden on the guy's face. He'd never liked Mickey, his brother deserved better. "You drove him away, remember?”

The arrogance Mickey carried with him dissipated. “I just want to talk to him, okay?”

“About what?” Lip demanded.

“Gardening.” Mickey retorted sarcastically. "I just need to fucking see him." His eyes softened as he pleaded, Lip recognised it as a look he had given Karen so many times. He sighed.

“Five minutes.” Lip walked away from the door leaving Mickey to close it behind him. Mickey stalked in quietly, he hadn't expected the house to be so quiet with so many kids. But then again he had spent his life in the Milkovich household.

He could see Ian standing there. He considered his escape routes before walking towards the Gallagher boy. He'd tried to forget how much he loved him with alcohol but it all came back to him now, with him so close. Gallagher was right before. Mickey loves Ian, and he's gay.

 

-

 

Ian stood in the kitchen, leaning on the table holding a cup of coffee. He hadn’t sleep since he’d got back. Coffee was the only thing keeping him upright. He heard _his_ voice, his heart raced but he wasn't sure if it was love or anger anymore. It felt like a lifetime ago since he left, the beg of ' _don't'_ rang through his ears for days before he reminded himself _he didn't choose you._

Mickey stood in the doorway awkwardly. All he could do was stare at the face of the boy he had missed so painfully for the last 2 months.

"How are you?" Ian broke the silence, scratching at his shaved head absently.

"Fine." Mickey leant himself on the doorway. He fiddled with a packet of cigarettes he'd fished out of his pocket. He tried to grab one but his hands were shaking. "I.. er... missed ya." He thought about the broken mirror, the photograph, the drinks he'd downed to forget.

The redhead nodded but kept his gaze everywhere but at Mickey. "Me too." He admitted. Ian thought of the texts he almost sent, the times he almost came home to be with him.

There they both stood, filled with regret and words they wanted to say but didn't know how. Ian sipped his coffee, it burnt his tongue but he liked the pain, he distracted the one he was feeling now. Mickey dragged on his cigarette as if it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

“So. You came back.” He commented in between the smoke.

“I was kicked out. Believe me, I don’t want to be back.” Ian stood upright and moved further from Mickey.

Silence hung in the air between them as they both tried to think of something to say.

“Then why did you leave?” Mickey half asked, half accused.

With that, Ian came to life. He spun round and flung the cup of coffee at the wall next to Mickey, “ _ **BECAUSE OF YOU**_.” They both watched the cup fall down in a mess of coffee and pieces of ceramic.

“ _Jesus, Gallagher_.”

Ian stepped forwards and dropped down to the mess. He tried to piece the shards back together, but they didn't seem to fit anymore.

“You chose to marry her. I begged you not to. And you did.” He whispered as the liquid burnt his fingers.

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“Yeah? Well then I didn’t either.” Ian rised back up and turned his back towards the Milkovich. Maybe it was naive thinking that they could spend thier lives hiding themselves away and nothing would ever change. But Ian was angry and almost every problem in his life seemed to be down to Mickey Milkovich.

“Why does it bother you so much anyway?!” Mickey snapped.

Gallagher remembered the pain he felt watching the wedding. He thought about what to say. Maybe it shouldn't bother him and it did for one simple reason, “ _Because I love you and you stood there declaring your love to someone else_.”

Mickey's mouth opened slightly with an intention to speak but he remained silent.

“It doesn’t make a difference now anyway.” Ian turned to face him, “We both made our choices.” He swallowed the lump in his throat, “You know, saying that you loved me was all you needed to do to make me stay? You just needed to admit it, just once. I would have stayed.”

 

“I know.” Mickey choked, the words visibly pained him.

Ian went to open the door and stopped, “ _I can’t fucking do this Mickey_ ” he clarified.

The Milkovich didn't look back as he walked through the door, eyes to ground. He couldn't watch Ian Gallagher giving up on him.

 

-

Ian fell to the floor after he left. No more tears came. The pain and loss was numbed by his hatred for the boy who couldn’t tell him that he loved him. He should have felt something, anything but there was nothing left but pain. He had tried to remember the good times they had had together but now they were soiled with the knowledge that he would never feel that way again.

Not with Mickey.

Not with anyone.

 

 -

 

Mickey punched his wall long after it had broken. Blood poured from his fist. “ **FUCK** ” He screamed but nobody who heard cared. He fell onto his bed and stared quietly at the space where he wished Ian was and where he would be every night for the rest of his life.

He pressed one of her shirts to his hand and wrapped it around. Standing up, he felt like his legs couldn't support him, they had no reason to. He had nowhere to go, nowhere he belonged. Mickey pulled on his coat and slowly made his way to the Alibi where he had spent most of his time when Ian was gone.

 

-

 

Five Jack Daniels shots. Six beers. One shot of vodka. Two piles of sick. One man left lying unconsious on a bar floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the end my friends! Because I'm nice I'll even give you the title of chapter 2 - Terry. 
> 
> Catch me at odinloki.tumblr.com


	3. Terry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The facts were these; Terry Milkovich was a pile of shit. He was abusive in every way, violent and he was never meant to be a father. The facts were also that Terry Milkovich was dying painfully and slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: LOTS OF SWEARING, VIOLENCE AND HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE TOWARDS THE END.  
> (extra warning: it's quite dark at the end but hey, season 4 is meant to be darker than previous seasons)
> 
> Here's another chapter! The storm took out the internet so I had time to write this aha.
> 
> Enjoy!

The facts were these; Terry Milkovich was a pile of shit. He was abusive in every way, violent and he was never meant to be a father. The facts were also that Terry Milkovich was dying painfully and slowly.

 

-

Since returning to the shithole from college Lip had been spending his time in the Alibi. In a weird way it connected him to Frank, the Frank who was so proud of his diploma and who took him ice skating not the Frank who was drunk 99% of the time and one of the worst fathers ever. It also got him shit faced drunk so there was that.

He always sat on the barstool hidden round the corner so that no one bothered him, not that anyone gave a shit about him anyway. It was from there he watched Mickey come in night after night for a week and leave after having a little nap in his own vomit. Tonight was a particularly bad night, he watched Mickey again deteriorate into a puddle of his own sick and piss. He was out for longer than usual. Lip sighed and downed the last of his lager.

He fumbled his pockets for his phone. After finally fishing them out he squinted at the fuzzy names on the screen. He dialled the number he hoped had said Ian. LIp rubbed his eyes before they were drawn back to the Milkovich sprawled on the dirty floor.

“ _Lip?”_

“Ian?” Lip was surprised he got the right person, to be honest.

“ _Yeah. What is it?”_ Ian sounded exasperated as if this was the last conversation he wanted to have in the world.

“Your err... ex-thing is passed out on the floor.” Lip slurred slightly, “you should probably come get him.”

“ _Why?”_

“Well I reckon he’s bathing in his own piss right now because of you.”

“ _Not my problem he can’t handle his feelings.”_ Lip wondered when Ian turned into an asshole, maybe it was Mickey or the army, either way he was different.

“Whatever man. I’m sure his loving father will come and make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.” Lip breathed a laugh to himself, there was one father worse than Frank Gallagher, Terry Milkovich.

Ian breathed out a sigh down the line. “ _Fine.”_

-

He wasn’t ready to see Mickey. To see him so miserable and out of it. But, really, Ian was the only person who really cared about him.

Ian finished the joint he’d been using to prepare himself for the encounter.

As soon as Ian walked into the Alibi the smell of bile and smoke hit him hard. “Oh jesus.” He remarked, partially at the smell, partially at the sight of Mickey. Lip wasn’t exaggerating.

“I know right?” Lip appeared next to him, laughing slightly at Ian’s expression.

“Shut up and help me.” Ian pulled one of Mickey’s arms over his shoulder and gestured for his brother to take the other. The Milkovich regained for a few seconds to look at Ian, make a grunting sound and slip back into a state of unconsciousness.

The brothers managed to drag his body to the Gallagher house. Ian pulled him inside the house and dumped him ungracefully on the sofa.

“Ugh. I stink now.” Lip complained whilst slipping upstairs to sleep it off.

Ian sat on the table and stared at Mickey for a few minutes. He took in the stubble that had grown on his jawbone. His dark hair was dishevelled and out of place. He wanted to brush his fingers through the mess but decided against it.

Ian moved to the loveseat next to the sofa and slowly fell asleep.

-

“ _Ian Gallagher.”_ Ian’s eyes slowly opened at his name.

“Yeah what?” He mumbled still half asleep. His eyes slowly opened to the sight of Mickey looking at him from the end of the sofa.

It took him a minute to realise that Mickey just called him by his full name.

He was obviously still wasted.

“Mickey you’re completely shit faced, go back to sleep.” Ian closed his eyes again, signalling that the conversation was over.

Silence followed for several minutes but as Ian started to drift back off a whisper brought him back, “ _I love you Gallagher.”_

 

_

_He was hammered_ , Ian told himself. _It wasn’t real_. Ian memorised the way he’d said his name and those words. He tried to imagine situations where Mickey wasn’t covered in his own vomit and wasn’t intoxicated, but he couldn’t. With Mickey, that was the best he was gonna get.

 At the start of it all, Ian could accept that Mickey couldn’t express how he felt but as the feelings grew stronger and their bond was tested it suddenly became important. After Mickey fucked Svetlana in front of him, he had to know. He had to know that Ian was the one he wanted. But Ian couldn’t tell and Mickey couldn’t say and it got harder to love someone who didn’t know what love was.

Ian was currently quietly making himself coffee, trying not to wake the Milkovich currently reclined on the sofa. He downed it quickly hoping to escape before he regained consciousness. Ian didn’t really know where to go, he could go to Milkovich house but that would be pointless in his plan to avoid Mickey and Terry Milkovich would be there. As he considered his options a bleary eyed Lip meandered down the stairs. “Hey man.”He murmured, Ian swiftly shushed him in reply. _Why?_ Lip mouthed. Ian pointed at the sofa and Lip nodded grimly. They scurried to the kitchen table and sat. “So, he told me he loved me last night.” Ian promptly whispered.

“ _What?!”_ Lip demanded loudly before remembering the sleeping Milkovich and apologising.

“He was still pissed.” Ian clarified.

Lip snorted to that, “that’s putting it lightly.” Ian smiled sadly. “No, I didn’t mean he’d have to be that drunk to say that, I just meant-”

“It’s cool, I know.” Ian stared at his cup as if it was going to give him the answers of all the questions in his head.

“So, what are you gonna do dude, what if he remembers?”

“I don’t know.” Ian put his cup down and made his way out the back door.

 

-

Mickey gave a grunt as he rubbed his eyes. His head felt like he’d been brained and his throat stung from the contents of his stomach coming out of it. His eyes opened to a vaguely familiar place. 

“ _Rise and shine princess_.” That sounded like Lip Gallagher. Fuck.

Mickey turned to where Lip’s voice had come from. He remembered the kitchen from when he was shot in the ass. So, he was in the Gallagher house. Fucking shit. He managed to pull himself to his feet and stumble over to the kitchen.

Lip sat at the table frowning at him. “How did I get here?” Mickey could imagine all the possible embarrassing situations, he could have turned up at the door begging for Ian or he could have passed out in front of the house on his way to do the latter. Lip interrupted his train of thought, “Me and Ian dragged you here from the Alibi. You were out cold.”

“Oh... Right... Well, thanks... for..that.” Mickey mumbled awkwardly. “Is he still here?”

“Ian?” Lip considered hitting Mickey in the face for telling Ian that he loved him just as Ian was trying to get out of their poisonous relationship. If you could even call it that.

Mickey just looked confused at Lip’s attempt at annoying him. “Who the fuck else?”

“He left about 10 minutes ago.” Mickey nodded and stared at Lip who was giving him a look that, honestly, scared him a little.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” The Milkovich ordered more than asked.

“Do you remember what you did last night?” Mickey panicked, last night he was wasted and around Ian Gallagher. Oh shit.

He couldn’t remember, he usually woke up with a blurry account of the night before but this morning he remembered nothing after midnight.

“You told Ian that you loved him.” Lip calmly explained, “You motherfucker.”

Mickey stood there. He could hear his pulse thumping in his ears. His hands shook and his breath come fast and uneven.

 _He couldn’t have. He didn’t._ Mickey shook his head, he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t true but he could tell that Lip wasn’t lying. Anger flared in the Gallagher’s eyes.

“You broke his heart all over again you pile of shit. Why can’t you just go the fuck away and stop hurting him?” Mickey looked wounded by Lip’s words. They vibrated through him. Why couldn’t he just leave? Leave it all behind. Ian would be better off without him.

Mickey burst through the door, he had to get away. He headed home to pack a bag then leave and never come back. For Ian.

 

-

Ian sat on the bench in town that faced Kash and Grab. That’s where it all started. He smiled slightly to himself at the memories. Maybe it was worth it. Maybe it was worth having his heart broken for those times again. Maybe Mickey deserved a second chance.

 

-

Mickey was half way through packing before Mandy appeared next him scowling.

“Where the fuck do you think you are going?”

“None of your fucking business.”

“It is my business.” Her voice was firm, Mickey knew not to piss her off when her voice was like that, it would end in tears or him getting his eyebrows shaved off in the night, again.

“Why?” He pushed. She couldn’t get his eyebrows if he was gone.

“Dad is dying and I need you. I don’t give a shit about him dying but I have no job, no money coming in and we will lose the house. Then where will I be? I’ll probably end up whoring around with your wife.” Mandy snapped at him.

“Not my problem.”

“You really are an asshole. I don’t know why the fuck Ian is in love with you, you are just like dad.” Normally Mickey would have grabbed her wrist and threatened her to shut up but he was too tired. He just wanted to leave.

“Is he why you’re leaving?” He really didn’t want to talk about this.

“Fuck off Mandy.” Instead she just stood there, staring down at him as he continued to pack.

“You two can fix this. You’re both too fucking scared to try.”

Mickey closed his eyes and willed her to leave. He wasn’t scared he was just... well... he didn’t know what he was anymore.

“Fine.” Mandy whispered violently before storming out and through the front door.

 

-

She went straight for the Gallagher house, she had to tell Ian.

Mandy banged on the front door hurriedly.

Lip looked up from reading the red bills that had come through the post. It seemed every time the Gallagher’s rose, they fell harder. He meandered to the front door slowly which still had someone hitting it hard on the other side. He pulled it open, “okay, okay-” Mandy stood there looking like she’d run all the way over. She looked kinda hot all sweaty.

“Is Ian here?” She demanded quickly interrupting Lip’s thoughts about her current state.

“No. He went out.” Mandy pushed her hand into her hair and swore under her breath.

“Where did he go?”

Lip shrugged, “I don’t know, he just had to get away.”

Mandy’s brow furrowed, “away from what?”

“Don’t you know what happened? Isn’t that why you’re here?”

She shook her head, “I’m here because Mickey’s leaving and I need Ian to stop him.”

“Oh.” Lip felt a bit guilty for telling Mickey to leave now but he meant everything he had said. “Maybe it’s for the best.” Mandy’s face showed her shock at Lip’s insensitivity. “I mean, you saw what Mickey fucking did to Ian, he destroyed him. Last night we dragged an unconscious Mickey from the Alibi who then told Ian that he fucking _loved_ him.”

“Shit.” That was all Mandy could say. That was why Mickey was leaving. Oh fuck. “I have to find Ian.” She stammered out before jumping down the steps and practically running down the road.

Lip just sighed and watched her rush down. At least Mickey was leaving. That was a good thing. For everyone.

 

-

Mickey slung his bag onto his shoulder and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. He drunk it slowly, part of him didn’t want to leave. Didn’t want to be apart from Ian but every minute he stayed was one more minute he was ruining his life.

Terry rambled slowly into the kitchen where Mickey was standing. He glanced to the bag and then at his son’s face. “Where the fuck are you fucking going?” Terry ordered.

“Away.” Mickey had tried not to anger Terry since... what happened. It was because Mickey was scared for himself, he was scared for Ian.

“No you’re fucking not.” It was rare to hear a sentence when Terry didn’t say fuck or shit. “You deal with the money in this fucking house and what about your fucking wife?”

Mickey snorted to himself, Terry adored Svetlana for two reasons;

  1. He thought that she ‘fucked the gay’ out of his son.
  2. Ever since she started living in this house he would fuck her as often as he could, sometimes he made Mickey watch.



Thinking out it maybe they should have married each other- they were both dirty and disgusting, Mickey thought to himself bitterly.

When Terry had started getter weaker and regularly threw up blood they knew something was wrong. It was funny in a morbid way, the tough as fuck Terry Milkovich was getting killed by his liver. He refused treatment, he didn’t want to live off tablets or give up alcohol. Terry and Frank, the worst fathers in the world were being killed by the same disease, it was like some weird karma.

Terry started going yellow a few weeks ago and they knew he was going to die soon, Mickey and Mandy privately celebrated but their brothers despaired at their dad’s deteriorating condition.

Now as Terry stood there needing a table to keep him upright he looked so weak but still bullied people as though he still had any strength left. “You’ll fucking stay or I’ll get your brothers to kill that faggot Ian Gallagher.”

Terry still knew Mickey’s pressure points and it ashamed him more than he can say that that fucking Gallagher was one.

 _No. He can’t do this._ Mickey knew that Terry would, it wouldn’t be the first person he’d gotten his sons to kill for him.

“Don’t you fucking touch Ian Gallagher.” Mickey straightened himself up and moved threateningly towards Terry.

“Or what you fucking fairy?”

It was then that Mickey launched his fist into Terry’s face.

He hit him over and over. Blood spurted from the bastard’s face. Mickey started to scream as he punched but he didn’t hear it, white noise blocked out his screams and Terry’s pleads. He pounded down for Ian, Mandy, himself and everyone whose lives Terry Milkovich had ruined.

He kept going, long after Terry had stopped breathing. His face was barely recognisable and Mickey was covered in blood not his own. He felt no guilt. He felt nothing.

-

Mandy found Ian sitting quietly on a bench, staring across the street.

“Hey.” She greeted softly as she sat down next to him.

He kept silent, his eyes were glassy. She tentatively slid her arm around his shoulder and rested her head on him. Ian rested his head on hers.

“I don’t know what to do.” He whispered, his voice was gravelly.

“Tell him to stay. Please.”

Ian sat upright and glanced at her desperately, “he’s leaving?!”

“I think he thinks he’s doing it to protect you. After what he said.”

Ian’s eyes dropped to the floor. “At least he said it. I could live with him only being able to tell me he loves me when he’s shit faced.”

“No you couldn’t.” She was right. It wasn’t good enough but it was _something._

They sat together silently, huddled into each other against the world, for what seemed like hours.

Mandy finally released herself and stood up, she held her hand out to Ian, “please come tell him to stay.”

Ian thought for a minute. He couldn’t live without Mickey as much as he told himself he could.

“Okay.”

-

Mickey had managed to dump his dad’s body in a hole in the woods near the house without anyone seeing. His brothers were away on a job, Mandy was off somewhere and Svetlana was jacking dudes off for money.

He didn’t cry as he kicked the limp body into the hole, if anything he was happy to get the cunt out of his life.

It only hit him as he sat on the sofa, covered in blood he realised that he’d killed someone. He had to think of excuses, an alibi, he had to clean up all the blood.

His eyes flicked over to his bag in the corner. He could just run.

As he contemplated his options, Mandy and Ian walked through the front door. They both took in the sight of Mickey, covered in blood.

“ ** _WHAT. THE. FUCK._** ” Mandy screamed as Ian just stared at the boy he loved, Mickey’s eyes were panicked and stared intensely at the Gallagher, he tried to tell him _I can explain_ but nothing came out.

“You are just like dad.” Mandy whispered, hurt, as her and Ian slammed out the house. Ian stared back as the door closed.

Mickey could tell that he thought it too.

_Maybe it was true._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy shameless tonight!
> 
> chapter 3 coming soon (I promise some happiness)
> 
> all kudos/comments/bookmarks so appreciated, love you all  
> catch me at: odinloki.tumblr.com


	4. 'It's okay to be afraid. But it will never be the same.'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It’d been a month since Ian had found Mickey covered in blood. 
> 
> Three weeks since Ian Gallagher and Mandy Milkovich had promised to never talk about what they saw again. '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Implications of sex later on and bad kissing writing. Swearing too.
> 
> Sorry, I've been procrastinating this but I'm upset about ian/mickey.   
> Short chapter but it will [probably] make you like me again after last chapter
> 
> Title from Explosions - Ellie Golding

It’d been a month since Ian had found Mickey covered in blood.

It’d been three and a half weeks since Terry Milkovich had been presumed dead after having one too many drinks for his liver.

Three weeks since Ian Gallagher and Mandy Milkovich had promised to never talk about what they saw again.

Two weeks since Svetlana left, Terry was the only one protecting her and now he was gone.

-

A minute since an extremely nervous Mickey Milkovich had approached the Gallagher house.

Ian sat on the steps outside the front door sipping a beer slowly.

“Hey.” Mickey tried to keep his voice cocky but he couldn’t hide how scared he was.

Ian didn’t reply, just stared at Mickey’s eyes which were now pointed at the ground.

“Why are you here?” Ian demanded finally in his no bullshit voice, that was the voice that usually resulted in bad things. Like Ian leaving.

“To explain.” _I did it for me and you, for Mandy and for everyone Terry Milkovich fucked up._ Mickey thought to himself but it sounded too pathetic to say out loud.

Ian stood and hung his upper body over the edge of the wooden railing, “Me and Mandy...” He threw his beer can off into the space in front of him, “we guessed what you did.”

Mickey rubbed his eyes violently with his restless hand. “I didn’t mean to Gallagher.”

“Yeah. You did.”

Mickey quickly checked around, in case anyone saw them together. “Can we talk inside?” His arm weakly pointed to the door, unsure of the answer he’d get.

“Why?” Ian stepped down one step, closer to Mickey who shifted uncomfortably.

“I don’t want anyone to hear us.” Mickey knew he sounded like an asshole but no one could know what Mickey was. And why he killed Terry.

Ian stalked inside stubbornly and left the door open behind him.

“Anyone else here?” Mickey entered the house, it brought back memories, ones he’d tried to forget.

“No.” Ian mumbled, he sat himself down on the coffee table and stared up at Mickey who stood in the doorway.

“Why are you so pissed at me?! You fucking hated that bastard!” Mickey pleaded at the sight of Ian, he looked so defeated and disappointed.

“It’s not the fact that you did it, it’s the fact that you **_could.”_** Ian wanted to be a soldier and he lived in this neighbourhood where murderers lived, but he could not kill anyone. End someone permanently. And he never thought Mickey could do that either.

“ **He threatened to kill you I couldn’t... fuck...”** Mickey wiped a silent tear that had dropped down his face, **“I couldn’t fucking let him hurt the _only thing left that I love_.”**

**-**

 

“Fuck.” Mickey rubbed his eye before anymore tears fell and gave away the don’t-give-a-fuck attitude he’d tried to keep up his whole life.

“Fuck it.” Ian states before moving in front of Mickey. The Gallagher puts his hand gently in Mickey’s hair, the other has wormed itself around his waist.

“Fuck you, Gallagher.” Mickey promptly fell forward, into Ian’s warm embrace. He snorted softly and kissed the top of Mickey’s head tentatively. Affection was Mickey was weird and scary. But nice. So nice.

“I love you Milkovich.” Ian whispered as they stood, Mickey cocooned in Ian’s sturdy body.

-

“Is Mandy here?” Lip didn’t know who this guy at the Milkovich house was.

The guy let out a silent laugh and a knowing eyebrow raise, “yeah, have fun mate.” Jackass.

He slipped past Lip and headed off down the street. Just then Mandy walked into the hall.

“Oh. Hey.” She looked surprised but not caught off guard. Mandy popped the cap off a beer. “Want one?”

“Who was that?” He didn’t know why but he was jealous. Like, really jealous.

“That was uhm...James... Jeff...Joe...one of them.” She shrugged it off.

“So many you can’t remember?” He accused bitterly.

Mandy looked like a wounded animal. That was how she felt half the time. An animal that was slowly bleeding out but it kept fighting for life. Kept fighting even though it’d be easier to give up.

“You’re such a slut.” Lip laughed off and made his way back out the door.

“ ** _Fuck. You._** Philip Gallagher. You left and I pined for you every single fucking day. Everything I did was for us. Every time you pushed me away because you were so fucked up by Karen you don’t know what a real relationship is like but I forgave you and I took you in every single fucking time so I’m sorry if I slept with guys to try to forget that you were gone and that you had moved on. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me but now you’re fucking here and I love you so much.” It all came so fast, like vomit of words. Lip stood in stunned silence as though she had just thrown up on him.

“I’m sorry Mandy. I’m so sorry. I don’t think you’re a slut." He moved closer to her, "I was just jealous. Mandy, I think you’re beautiful and amazing.” Inside he cringed at his cheesy line but he meant every word.

Mandy stood there, still exhausted from her rant. “I know.” She panted as she pounced at Lip. Their lips clashed in desperation. The kiss was messy and their lips explored every part of the other person’s face.

They clawed at each other’s clothes until they were finally both naked and horizontal on the sofa. Lip moved his hips slowly as they made love for the first time in what felt like forever. They both moved slowly and savoured each moan and each touch.

Left exhausted they laid together in the crumple of clothes.

“I love you too Mandy.” Lip commented as his hand stroked her face gently.

-

Mickey left quite quickly after him and Ian had sex, it was too scary. The sex was accompanied with gentle touches and love. It was like what they’d had on the night Terry had caught them. Terry was dead but Mickey was still scared of him.

Ian telling him that he loved him freaked him out too, Ian’s love felt undeserved and wasted and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he was so scared to be with Ian, to be shown love. He’d felt so safe and comfortable with him but it wasn’t real. They weren’t safe and they weren’t comfortable. They never could be. But he loved Ian, and he couldn’t give him up or let him go ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me at odinloki.tumblr.com
> 
> next chapter sometime in the next two weeks

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me at odinloki.tumblr.com


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